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re: archive

Tony Halmarack (
Sun, 01 Dec 1996 10:47:52 +0000

From: Tony Halmarack <>
Date: Sun, 01 Dec 1996 10:47:52 +0000
Subject: re: archive
To: Subscribers to the mailing-list TWC-L <>

Hi Vash,

Thank you for the inspiring story. Your strength gives me hope.

In message <> Vashti wrote:

> Well, as you know (or maybe you dont) when I was first diagnosed with
> terminal cancer I decided to forgo the "traditional" approach at
> treatment for an "alternative" one. Since I had been an herbalist since
> my days as a "hippie", and my formal education was in Nursing, I became
> my own "healer".

I'm getting quite lumpy too. My doctor says *he thinks* I haven't got too
much to worry about. As I don't really hit it off with the medical
establishment, I'm not going to pursue any understanding along that
particular avenue. I tend to look elsewhere for answers. Herbal medicine
seems like an obvious choice but I seem to get unusual and contradictory
effects from relatively small doses of some herbs.

> I chose to medicate myself using various herbs, and went
> into a 2 year intensive contemplation/meditation/prayer time. I figured
> if nothing else I would be better prepared mentally to meet my death.

I'd like to hear more about that. Being prepared mentally to meet
death is the purpose of this mailing list as far as I can tell.

> I began to get a lot stronger physically, the more I concentrated on the
> molecules of anything I ingested changing and becoming "cancer fighters"
> for my body. I also meditated a great deal on the cancer and visualized
> it getting smaller.

On the surface I think I'm more hopeful and optimistic than I was in
younger days. When I go deeper and try to assert some positive, healing
influence over my system, I detect resistance. Perhaps this is why bodies
break down. Little anarchists hacking away at the structure.
I seem to be greater than the sum of my parts but some of my parts don't
seem to agree.

I have to ask the question:
Do I really want to expend vast amounts of energy fighting myself?

> I had done a lot of work with biofeedback back in the mid 70's so this
> helped me control my body at a vascular level. I then thought of taking
> it a step further, and controlling my body at a molecular level.

No small voices of disapproval?

> Of course, at the same time the Docs were offering me stuff to use "just
> in case" my own methods "failed". The problem with the stuff they had to
> offer was that they changed my LOC to a sleep state.

What stuff was that? Might I benefit from it?

> I was not interested in sleeping off any time I might have left in the
> physical world. So, at first I only used the medications they gave if
> the pain was excruciating.

Perhaps when a person reaches this stage, they should be given the pick of
the medicine cabinet?

> I found that for any REAL pain, a half of a joint of good pot would help
> me concentrate PAST the pain, and allow me to be pain free, so this
> became my drug of treatment, rather than the morphine they offered.

I've always had an ambivalent relationship with cannabis. It hospitalized
me on one occasion. I've continued to experiment with it as a palliative
for various states of being, but overall I don't find the effects
beneficial. This is unfortunate because pot is widely available and seems
to be considered a universal panacea these days.

Some alternative herbal extracts such as the opiates, are considered to be
much more of a No-No, yet it may be that this would be a much more suitable
form of treatment for my condition.

I'm not sure about the significance of the sleep-state you describe
as an undesirable effect of opiates. There's a lot of 19th century
literature that tells of the inspiring effects of opium when used by
artists, writers, craftsmen and even politicians.

In the UK, the availabiity of opiates became restricted by the
establishment during the last century. When this happened, the medical
profession were astounded by the number of fit and remarkably well
preserved old people who presented themselves to the authorities with
withdrawal symptoms. Some of them had been using this drug for treatment of
their ailments for decades.

Perhaps it isn't so much the opiates as the way they're used by modern
medicine that makes them seem like a cudgel.

> Last year, I was having frequent episodes where I would essentially be
> bed-bound, which did not please me. Then in the spring I decided to "get
> out" and work on a garden. The idea was to get in the air, (I brought a
> blanket out so I could lay down a lot at first) and I also wanted to
> "leave something" behind. Something growing...something beautiful...

Both in your garden and on this mailing list too.

> Working in the earth, and taking new joy from the things of nature had a
> rejuvenating affect on me. I began to meditate a lot on nature and the
> idea that we are, indeed made of the same stuff. Again...thinking of my
> body as Earth at a molecular level...
> so...that is probably more than you wanted to know...8)

That and more, if possible.
> peace vash

Best wishes,

Tony Halmarack =*=

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